It’s been six days since he left…
Souly is visiting family for the week, I was invited but I had prior commitments and usually nothing stands between me and family time, but the next available appointment wasn’t for another month, and those elastics were killing me.
In fact Souly laughed at me saying “you know they are just the warm up for braces” and of course I retorted telling him that they would feel great to come off. Well he was right. These things hurt. A lot. BUT i’m still super stoked to have them on. 🙂
Anyway. I try to avoid writing overly soppy or negative posts for a few reasons:
- It’s embarrassing and I feel vulnerable
- I want my blog to inspire myself and others
- I just don’t think others really want to see it
However I feel it is just today as six days apart is just taking it’s toll on me. Some of you may think it is silly, and perhaps it is, but when you are used to seeing your partner every day and giving them a kiss goodnight every night it can be overwhelming when they have to go away.
Don’t get me wrong, we both need and enjoy our own space but more than a night apart and we both start getting a little grumpy. Perhaps me more than him. I still go on with my days as usual but it’s that underlying feeling of emptiness that really gets to me. I feel hollow, life seems a little gloomier and things just are not as fun.
Every spare minute I think of him and miss him and it makes me sad. It really sucks that where the family live there is terrible phone signal so it is harder to get in touch with him and we can only have one or two proper conversations a day.
I know I should be grateful for how much time we generally get to spend together because there are couples who barely ever get to see each other but i’m just saying when you get used to something being a certain way, and you really like it that way, it hurts when it changes. The fact that it is only temporary doesn’t really help either.
I’m also really missing the all the family, I haven’t seen them in weeks. I wish I had a jetpack so I could just pop in for tea. Or a helicopter. I know a spot where I could land too, I wonder how much helicopters are? Although if I did buy a helicopter there is no where to land it at my house. I wonder if my landlord would let me put a helipad on the roof? *Sigh* maybe I should just get a Falkor.
I just can’t stop thinking about him. It’s like i’ve lost the other half of me. I turn to talk to him and he’s not there. I roll over to cuddle in the morning and he isn’t there. I even caught myself pouring two glasses of water today…. *sigh*.
Writing it there i’m making it sound like he’s passed away, he hasn’t, he’s just at the other end of the country!! 😥 😥
Actually come to think of it I suppose it kind of is like a loss. I’ve lost his warming presence for a week, and it feels so cold without him.
According to Greif.com the five stages of greif are:
I don’t know about denial, you can’t really deny when a part of you is missing, you feel it so strongly. I do get angry occasionally but it is borne out of frustration. Bargaining is easier to recognise because I often say if you come home i’ll do this, this and that, however even when he says yes I still tell him to stay. We don’t get to see the family often enough so i’d rather him stay. Still sucks though. Depression, again, is an easier one to recognise because i’m moping and wallowing and yearning, however I think this is also mixed in with acceptance. Like I mentioned I accept that he is gone temporarily and I want him to stay but i’m still sad about it.
I have always been like this and so has Souly. We have been inseparable since the moment we met, and we like it that way. I wonder if there will ever come a time when we can be apart for longer and it doesn’t hurt so much? I was talking about volunteering in Africa the other day until I realised it was a 12 week program. 12 weeks?! I can’t even go A week without cracking up. Plus there is no way Souly would consider coming with me, he has OCD and you would not believe the hours of nagging I had to put in just to get him to agree to ONE night of camping. And even that was bartered for!
We barter for a lot of things. I find it fun and funny in equal measures. I think it is our way of compromising for example I wanted to go camping so I said: “One single night of camping and I will stop gnawing your ear off about travelling.” He agreed. It’s a win-win, he doesn’t have to hear me drone on about travelling and I get to go camping! Plus Souly is sometimes kind and surprises me for example i’m hoping when we get there he might like it and offer a second night! I wonder what i’ll have to barter for that. My biscuits I suppose. -.-
Souly also hates the beach, and I love the beach so we always barter that I can go but he says when we leave. I can usually persuade him to stay longer than he wants to though. ^.^ I am aware that i’m making it sound like we so incompatible but these are just a couple of examples. :’)
I used to love playing The Sims, ( I swear this is relevant) I had the sims freeplay forever and then Souly managed to download the Sims 4 for me (he’s super tech savvy) which is by far the best Sims game I have ever played, I was fully addicted for ages, I can’t play it on my new laptop however because it doesn’t have the storage capacity to run such a large game. So I don’t play it as often as I used to. Anyway I digress, sometimes when Souly was away I would spend ages hanging out with his Sim. There is NO way I am the only one who does this….
I would just spend hours clicking his sim and hugging him and discussing iambic pentameter with him and making cookies for him in my 200 sq ft kitchen on my chrome 10 burner cookamatic 5000 whilst wearing my floor length ball gown. Hey! It’s MY game. 😉 Then we would sit and eat cookies together and tell jokes and discuss our favourite authors whilst a pianist would play for us (hell yeah I put a grand piano in my open plan kitchen-dining room).
I also love the camping feature on the Sims 4, so when Souly would say no to camping I could just take his Sim camping. Muwhaha! Even in virtual reality he hates his life. :’) :’) I’m having fun writing this, it feels just like a diary entry, it seems strange that anyone would read it, and this far too….
I love the Sims. Writing about it is making me want to play…. I played so much though that I kind of ran out of room. I used the money cheat so it was super fun and easy to just build a ton of really cool homes, I filled up like 5 worlds in a month. I just started a new game, I wanted to try and make my sim look more like me instead of a highly airbrushed lady based on me that didn’t really look anything like me and had a big bum and super long curly hair. But I just ended up making said big bottomed lady. What can I say, i’m not simogenic.
I was also the self-proclaimed queen of simville and I gave myself Oscar Wilde’s address. My friends were Plato, Immanuel Kant, Francis Bacon, Willaim Shakespeare and, of course, Oscar Wilde. I also made their families and lovers including Lord Alfred Douglas and Anne Hathaway. My house was a 4 storey spectacle built in stone with 2 north facing balconies and 2 south facing. I built a basement spa, 2 floor home gym, 2 libraries, 3 home offices, servant quarters, and an outdoor garden to rival Versailles. If that wasn’t cool enough I also remodelled the Windenburg palace and named it after my sim. It is pretty much the opposite of my real life. :’) Wherein i’m aspiring to minimalism and my sims are forced to endure all the granduer that the money cheat can buy.
I can’t believe I started this talking about how sad I was missing Souly and I ended up telling you about my Sim house. *Sigh.* I’m going to go and play Sims now. I want to hang out with baba. 😦