Since I first started this blog I have endeavoured to be as open as I can.
I want to talk to you as if you were my closest friend, no secrets, no judgements, just free expression. At the beginning this was easy, it was just me and you, but then I connected my facebook account, and this made me start to think about all the people who may see my blog; acquaintances, old friends and family. It made me nervous about opening up and talking candidly.
I am quite introverted by nature and opening up can be difficult for me, even more so in person. Writing for me is the best way I can get out all of my thoughts and feelings, I need time to process things before I can find the right words. I find writing to be more therapeutic than talking. You know when you’re feeling down and people will tell you that talking is best? I find writing can be thoroughly beneficial. Thoughts get jumbled up in my head and when they are on paper I can think more clearly because I can see what is going on.
Souly knows me better than anyone ever has or ever will. Perhaps it is naive to say that but I believe it to be so. I have opened up to him in ways I just couldn’t do with anyone else, he has seen the worst of me, the best of me and all of the grey area too and he still loves me, that is a true friend. Oscar Wilde said “It takes great courage to see the world as it really is and still love it.”
Nevertheless it was important to me to remain as honest as I can because I write better that way. Writing would not be as fun or therapeutic if I was worrying all the time about what others might think. I like WordPress because I do not fear judgement here, sites like Tumblr and Facebook are fraught with people full of hatred and bitterness just waiting to pounce, WordPress is different. The people here are kind, empathetic and inspiring. If I was ever going to achieve 100% openess it would be here, for me.
You know I was showing off my teeth the other day? It was actually a really big deal. For about 21 years I never showed my teeth, ever. I would often cover my mouth, try not to smile when I was happy and certainly never show my teeth in a photo. Souly loves my teeth. I have no idea why, I used to just think he was trying to be nice and make me feel better, but he really does like them and this has made me much more confident in myself. He often tells me how nice my smile is and to smile more and this has made me, not so much confident but less bothered I suppose. Sometimes I smile in photos sometimes I don’t, but it isn’t so much ruled by my fears anymore as it is my preference. Sometimes I won’t post a photo if I don’t like my teeth but it is still a huge step up from previously.
The point I was making is that it did take courage to post that image but I did it because it is important to me to treat my readers like close friends so that I can be 100% myself. Let me tell you how I write, because I think it is funny as much as it is silly.
When I write I imagine that I am having early afternoon tea with my close friend.
We are relaxing in the sitting room of my in-law’s old house. My in-laws are incredibly talented people and work in the interior design industry, it is a beautiful sitting room, natural, summer light pours in and the french doors are open to let in the cool breeze whilst birds chirp away in the garden. There is a cake stand on the coffee table and we are sipping tea. I am sitting on the two-seat sofa and you are sat on the three-seat sofa. Perhaps Stanley the cockapoo comes in, his paws clik clakking away on the hardwood floor. He hovers around our cake stand and we have to shoo him away.
I have lovely serene memories of sitting in that room drinking tea and I enjoy imagining that scene when I write, picturing talking to a friend really makes me feel more comfortable. How about you? Do you picture a scene in which you write? What helps you to be more open?