Thank You 

I’m finally at the salon. *Sigh of relief* 
I’m so relieved to be in the safe hands of one of the best salons in the Midlands and I have been walking around blorange about a week too long. Thank goodness it’s been hat weather. 

That being said I can’t help but feel like I’m being a bit too lavish spending so much money on my hair! However my driving instructor said “you wear your hair every day so it’s an investment”.  

Yaaaay! What do you think ?? 😀

Souly is a huge Netflix hog so when he is away I get to watch all the documentaries I like and lately Reggie Yate’s Insider series has gripped me. I talk a lot about gratitude but to be honest I worry that even my gratitude is shallow. I am, after all, greatful to have pretty hair. There are people around the world, even in my own country, who have a life so difficult that getting a new hair colour isn’t even on the list of priorities. 

That’s sad isn’t it? Today I wasn’t grateful for my warm bed or my yummy breakfast… All I stopped to be grateful for today was my hair. I can’t help but feel a little… Missguided? Shallow? Guilty? 

I don’t know. I think gratitude is important but lately I just find myself thinking of others more and more and wanting to help. I also saw Benjamin Zand’s dictatorland series and it made me realise no matter how much I detest my government there are people who have it much, much worse. 

I will always be vain and as long as I have money I will always make sure my hair looks good but these films really opened my eyes to the suffering of the world and I’m not ashamed to admit that when I saw the refugee camp in Iraq and I heard the story of how Fatima lost her friend, I cried. I balled like a baby! 

I donate to charity, a lot. I often tweet on humanitarian issues and after learning so much regarding the crisis in Syria I wrote a lengthy and heartfelt email to my prime minister Theresa May a few months ago, which actually got a reply whilst I was writing this post… Crazy huh? 

I won’t publish the reply for privacy reasons but they basically ensured me that the UK is doing all it can to support Syrian refugees and the UN is still sending humanitarian aid. I image it was a pretty generic automated response sent to everyone who pours their heart out however it was nice to know that the UK is the second biggest benefactor to the Syrian crisis and that this issue is still in the forefront of the government’s mind. 

I still can’t help but feel that it isn’t enough. Money is there, money is sent, but it clearly doesn’t reach all of the people who need it and clearly more money isn’t going to fix the problem. 

We can philosophise on the best course of action but the truth is that us mere mortals can do little to help unless we fly over ourselves. It is in the hands of our government, he just have to trust that the negotiators are doing their best. 

The truth is that there will always be people in crisis because there will always be power mad dictators and there will always be wasteful consumers, this is just the world that we have created for ourselves. 

It can be frustrating to feel as though I’m not doing enough personally, I really hope that moving to the country will be the push I need to live more sustainably, ethically and I’m really hoping to try going zero waste! I’m not sure how that will work out but as always I’ll keep you updated. 

So I suppose you can see why sitting here, having my hair done feels rather excessive. I mean, how much waste have I created in an hour? Half a roll of tin foil went on my head alone! I could try and justify this lavish expense but really it’s just a product of the first world, I have been influenced to believe I need beautiful hair to be happy and to be honest I believe it. I am happy when my hair looks nice but other people in Dorset they have wild hair and they seem just as happy if not more so, than me. 

There is more to life than always looking ones best. 

The secret of happiness does not lie in one’s appearance nor will it ever lie in consumerism but perhaps 

“The secret of happiness, you see, is not found in seeking more but in developing the capacity to enjoy less” – Socrates 

I have this quote as my laptop wallpaper so that I am reminded every day to focus on the important things.

In developed countries we are so, so fortunate however we have become so detached from the world around us that we think having luxury on demand is an entitlement rather than a privilege. I hope we can help each other to keep our feet on the ground. 

Gratitude, in my opinion, is a vital component of one’s happiness as a whole, it is important to know that we are lucky and this thankfulness can get us through some pretty tough times. To be grateful means to feel content with what one has and it’s this constant yearning for more that makes us so miserable. 

I don’t believe we should be TOO hard on ourselves mind you, media in this day and age is a machine. Media is this huge industry made up of marketing experts, advertisements and way too many voices telling you what you need to be happy and the only reason it exists is because we buy into it. Again I don’t believe this is entirely our fault, as a child in the nineties and noughties I practically grew up with adverts. I believe these have caused a lot of unnecessary stress in my life.

I want to get real, because if you’re still reading this far then you deserve it. When I was a little girl the “in” thing was to be skinny. It didn’t matter how many times Daddy told me I looked ill and it definitely didn’t matter that Mummy tried to feed me… Food was the enemy. I’d always been plump growing up but I was never big. When I was 10 I went on a radical diet, some celebrity diet I saw in a magazine. It was awful! I ate nothing but kale soup for like 3 months! I WAS TEN! That’s crazy! 

But when I was thin my friends would compliment me and clothes looked nicer on me. I dieted most of my adolecent years and I barely ate anything until I was about 18. I didn’t grow any boobs, my hair was always thin and I always had dark circles. I had a period about once a year if I was lucky. I was ill, very ill. I left home when I was 14 and for a year I pretty much lived on a portion of beans a day. I was never anorexic but I was never well. I slept 12 hours a night, every night, when I did eat a proper meal it would make me sick and my skin was horrendous. 

When I was 18 I was working long hours and I didn’t have time for 12 hours of sleep. I would work and sleep and work and sleep and I ate very little in between. I was never really hungry but I always felt low. I’ve battled with depression since I was 12 and to be honest I think my eating habits played a part in the development of depression that’s has never gone away. I had to quit my amazingly well paid job because I was sick and depressed. It has been a long road to recovery and a lot of it aided by my fiance. 

When we met I was a size 6 and I’m 5 ft 6 so I looked really boney, I’m now a size 14 and honestly it’s been a battle to come to terms with what I deemed fat. But I’m not. I don’t see myself as fat anymore. I used to. Maybe I am still fat but I don’t see it and if I’m honest my body has never looked better. I am healthy! There was a period where I ate a bit too much and I was overweight but now I am perfectly healthy and happy. Eating right does contribute to happiness in my opinion. 

I got so deep into that I forgot what my point was… Oh yeah! My need to be thin all stemmed from media. No one in the real world ever told me to lose weight and no boy ever told me I was fat. It ALL came from media, TV shows and advertising. 

I thought that being thin would make me prettier and more desirable and I’d be happier for it. Turns out the opposite was true but the mass media industry has profited greatly off of its efforts to brainwash me. I bought diet pills, protein powder, gym equipment. I only recently realised that I actually prefer exercising outdoors! This is what they do. The media is an industry designed with profits in mind. It turns children into consumers and puts adults in debt. Why? Because being able to step out of the media game and evaluate your life and beliefs is hard. It is much easier to believe what the TV or social media tells us. 

It’s hard to think we’ve wasted so much time and energy buying into this heartless industry. The media industry is centered on profits it doesn’t care about the anorexic children, the unpaid sweat shop workers, hell it doesn’t even care about newsworthy scandals. This is not a thing I want to be a part of. I don’t want to be a consumer anymore. I don’t want to pay into an economy of suffering in others for our own satisfaction, or lack of. 

I know this post was long but I really poured my heart into it. Thanks for reading and let me know your thoughts…



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